It's Okay Not to be Okay (2020) First Impressions

It amuses me no end that I left a medical drama behind only to find myself in another. I had no indication of that from the trailers that I saw. To be honest it didn't matter all that much what this was about as I came to it because of Kim Soo-hyun. Thankfully these first two episodes show a great deal of promise.

The premise of the show seems to be centered around an almighty clash between a nursing aide who is also caring for his autistic brother and a children's book author with ASPD. From the Burtonesque preamble we are led to assume that the two had a childhood encounter. A well-worn Kdrama track. However, what's different here is that the memory is not a pleasant one.

What I took away from the trailers that I saw was a strong Great Expectations vibe. And even after two episodes, the feeling remains. It's not a deal breaker just an observation largely of the lead female character and the glimpses we have to her backstory.

There's a lot to like in this but it's the characterization of both the leads that's really at the heart of things. It's always gratifying to see shows break the mould in fascinating ways especially with regards to the female stereotypes. My suspicion about the female lead here, Mun-yeong is that she's more a monster made than hardwired that way. She seems to me a lonely soul with a larger than life persona to shoulder in search of someone who can cope with her idiosyncrasies. I think Gang-tae intrigues her because he doesn't play her game or dance to her tune. It's both a challenge... to see if she can break him most probably and a need for meaningful companionship. I believe that she does want him to succeed on some level... for him to be found "worthy" after all the testing because she needs to know that there's someone in this bleak world that can cope with her claws and thorns. This is particularly important for someone like her who has no profound connections in her life. To know that there's someone who don't mind taking hits for her is likely her holy grail. More than that, she is aware that there's no one who really cares about her. It's merely transactional. She does what she wants to and gets away with it not only because she has a "disorder" but she commands the loyalty of people who want something from her. Maybe Manager Lee does care about her because he does put up with a lot but maybe he's just in it for material benefits.

I can't help speculating that she's been the subject of a rigorous behaviourist experiment. That's where the Great Expectations angle comes in. It feels like there is/was a Miss Havisham controlling her from a scene of her standing on a balcony in a location surrounded by torn drapes. That reminds me of Satis House. And then there's the gorgeous wardrobe... which also shouts "look at me I'm outrageous". There's also something about her behaviour that leads me to conclude that she's a deliberate caricature. She scares kids who are her bread and butter. She plays with knives. She lashes out. But then there's this vigilante streak: She stabs bad men because they deserve it. Where does this sense of justice come from? I'm not entire convinced her ASPD is a case of "born like this". She's comes across as someone who is trying to play a witch because she's read all the right books when she's probably not really one. On some level she's probably having fun being unconventional. Although I sense fatigue as well.

The contradictions in her character are curious. I imagine that's what the attraction for Gang-tae might be. In a medical drama he is the archetypal Caregiver but with battle scars. He is drawn to the weird, needy and dangerous people. He jumps into a fray without hesitation. The operative word here being "giver". Maybe it's innate. Maybe it has become a force of habit from looking after his brother. Whatever it is, it has become an all-consuming occupation for him. Whether or not he is gainfully employed as a caregiver, it is what he defaults to.

So it's deeply moving and really sweet when Sang-tae, his autistic older brother, tells him that they should go home and that he'll be the one looking after him. For the longest time he has been giving giving giving and running running running. It must be exhausting. Despite being such an obvious archetype, his energy fascinates me. I keep wondering how he manages to keep it all under control, what is it that he wakes up to every morning. Is it just his brother that he's living for?

But surprisingly I think, underneath all that niceness, lurks a renegade. On some level he isn't that different from her. His life can't be said to be conventional by any stretch of the imagination. He definitely doesn't do safe. He lives life like he has nothing to lose. Just like her. I don't believe he's a coward as he thinks he is but he's so used to running that he doesn't know what else to do.

As I've mentioned elsewhere I find the literary references noteworthy. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland was certainly highlighted literally in blazing lights. Heh. Hans Christian Andersen's The Red Shoes. The red shoes also made me think of Dorothy's ruby slippers from Wizard of Oz, her ticket to going home. The Boy Who Fed on Nightmares which is the in-house literary resource seems to be based on the Faustian pact. The boy who makes a deal with a witch to be free from his nightmares only to find that he's not happier for it. When the time comes, she takes his soul away. I'd also certainly be very keen to see if the Great Expectations vibe continues throughout the drama.

Because we're told that this is a healing drama, I find The Boy Who Fed On Nightmares a pivotal key to unlocking the philosophical underpinnings of the show. It's not just about facing traumas head on but about incorporating pain and suffering in one's toolkit to dealing with everything that life throws at you. In short, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. In order to mature, one has to first experience suffering. It's not a deeply original idea. But it is an idea that does have currency especially in such times that we live. However, just from a cursory of observation of people, it's clear that pain and suffering by themselves don't make anyone happier. It can but it can also destroy lives and minds. It's an existentialist proposition. The book doesn't address a cure or the element of hope. It seems to be all about memory. "Remember it all and overcome it" The implication is that memory is the cure rather than the problem.

Hospital Playlist Retrospective Season 1 Episode 12: The Kitchen Sink

A gentle reminder that this post will contain many spoilers for the entire drama not just for the episode under discussion.

Continuing on the characterization of Song-hwa as the archetypal Sage, it is clear that this is the part that she relishes. And it is the persona she defaults to at every opportunity. Repeatedly she eschews all attempts to be an object of romantic fantasy or attainment. When Chi-hong tells her that he will follow her to Sokcho, she shuts that idea down faster than he can gather his thoughts together, telling him that this will be detrimental to his career. As far she's concerned, she's his professor first and foremost. The lines remain intact between them. When Ik-jun tries to take her out for a meal, she rejects that in favour of playing the in-house counsellor to other members of staff. Do Jae-hak pushes him aside unceremoniously. As Seok-min says, she's better than a professional. Hence the queue outside her office ready to receive pearls of wisdom from her lips as she dispenses advice about everything under the sun.

Even though Ik-jun offers a second confession, it's unclear where she stands with regards to him. While she celebrates other pairings and become privy to them, she doesn't seem especially interested in being paired off herself with any of those already within her circle of influence. At this point, she is most comfortable as teacher, counsellor, advisor, sage and confidante. According to Jeong-won she's a mind reader because she was able to pinpoint his decision to stay. "Psychic" was the word that she used to describe herself, an idea that fits perfectly with her Sage persona. As his confidant, she is able deduce the identity of the mysterious special interest that is foremost in his mind.

It isn't surprising of course that the Sage of Yulje has observations of human beings couched within the metaphor of food consumption, when one considers her propensity for gluttony. (The running gag excuse of having 3 older brothers to contend with.) According to her as she waxes philosophical, there are 3 kinds of people in the world:

1. Those that are happiest when they are eating something.
2. Those who are happiest when they are eating alone.
3. Those for whom watching others enjoying good food makes them happier than when they themselves are eating

To illustrate the first two points, the show cuts to her friends. Jeong-won, on the other hand, epitomizes the third. Which is an astute observation of him. Even though he complains when he doesn't get to the food quickly enough because of Song-hwa and Jun-wan, he gets a big kick out of seeing other people happy. Personally I think this is part of his leadership skill set and his philanthropic bent. And it is why in spite of what he put Gyeo-ul through, I forgive him his sins because I am sure it caused him no end of heartache to know that he caused her so much grief.

For me the only real twist (if it can be considered one) in the finale is Song-hwa's relocation to Sokcho. At the start of the drama she was the only who was already working in Yulje but at the end she's the only one not working at the main hospital. The others were recruited by Jeong-won in a bid to take control of the VIP wards to fund the Daddy-Long-Legs scheme. Song-hwa has also now been given charge of the scheme and vehemently insists on holding on to it.

Ik-jun's role as Trickster spills over into his adorable and delightful relationship with his son U-ju. Their dynamic is one that always has me alternating between smiling like an idiot and oohing and aahing. While I don't think U-ju is quite ready for Mensa just yet, he does demonstrate a social precocity in his interactions with Dad. Plus he has all the making of a trickster himself. A little chip of the old block. It's obvious that U-ju is the joy of Ik-jun's life. He relishes every moment he has with the little fellow.

Speaking of parenting, one of the best moments in the drama to my mind was the accumulated sequence of events outside the OBGYN waiting area. There was something both humorously familiar and poignant about it for someone who has been there. Not only did it effectively highlight Seok-hyeong's understandable popularity among the expectant ladies but it was such a powerful example of showing over telling. It was, in short, a great television moment. My obstetrician once said to me that delivering babies is not an exact science and that's certainly showcased here. All these expectant mothers impatiently waiting for their turn, complaining about how slow the queue is moving. They all want a piece of Seok-hyeong and that's the price they have to pay. So there's a bit of whining. Until an expectant mother in her final trimester discovers that she's miscarried and bursts into heart-rending sobs which is reverberated up and down the waiting room. Immediately, the complaining stops, everyone is quiet. Nothing needs to be said. They all have an inkling as to what's happened. Some of the mums-to-be caress their bumps in silent gratitude that they still have their babies. Their perspective completely shifts from feeling sorry for themselves to feeling sorry for the poor woman who has lost her baby. No comments are needed. No editorializing required. It's a fantastic storytelling moment.

This is one of the things I love about the show by the way, this deep respect for the audience to be in step with what's going on without having to be spoon-fed.

On this occasion we see Seok-hyeong as the archetypal Caregiver. He is attentive to his patients' needs, he is thorough, he is kind and he is patient. He tells the poor woman who has miscarried to take her time and have a good cry. This is in large part what the episode is about. The Five as Caregivers. Despite their contrasting personalities, the one thing they have in common is their passion as clinicians. They are great doctors not because they are perfect human beings but because they care about their patients and give it their all. They go above and beyond. They bend over backwards to ensure that every avenue has been explored. This is why we have scenes of Jun-wan sleeping in his office. Or of Jun-wan missing the chance to farewell Ik-sun because he puts his focus on his dying patient and the grieving parents. Ik-jun learns sign language so that he can communicate with his transplant patient's deaf son. This is what "calling" or "vocation" is about.

Chi-hong too has his moment where he understands the ramifications of the vocational side of his job. Temperamentally, he is a good fit for medicine because he's kind and good with people. He is, as Song-hwa notes, thoughtful and conscientious. The brain tumour patient from episodes ago, Kim Hyeon-su returns to thank him and gift him with a pen. He tells Chi-hong that he's returning to work at the police initially as a desk jockey. What Chi-hong did for him by giving him hope seemed to surpass the importance of the actual surgery itself. It speaks volumes about the impact of the psychological aspects of the healing process.

One has a feeling that he will be a good chief resident of NS. He will put his best foot forward but despite the desires of his heart, I don't see him being successful with Song-hwa. Her note to him comes purely from the perspective of the Wise Mentor.

In the course of this episode Jeong-won eventually comes to the realisation that medicine was always his true calling. What Ji-yeong's family does here is remind him why he became a doctor in the first place. They provide him with the final piece of the puzzle. When they tell him that he's a great doctor and thank him repeatedly, he is led to realise that he was able to do something that not too many people in the country can do. All the goodwill in the world wouldn't be enough to save the little girl. Aside from concern and passion, what is also needed is skill. The truth of the matter is that he will never be happy doing anything else. Saving lives and then being the bearer of good news is what drives him to do good, better and his very best. For him to finally realise what the rest of us have known since the beginning is freedom. This truth has set him free.

Because he is now free he can stop obsessing about the priesthood. He has taken stock of his life and he now knows what his path should be. Now that the priesthood question is out of the equation he can stop worrying about his feelings for Gyeo-ul and move on with her. Looking at this scene in the PICU, she has become his comfort zone. He has unconsciously positioned himself very close to her for someone who is supposed to be heading for the priesthood. The longing has always been there. His heart has been steering towards her.  He is literally drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Work affords him these opportunities to be close to her even if he can't/won't verbally tell her how he feels.

The way they're framed in this scene shows that words are really unnecessary between them because of their time spent working together which has finally brought them to this place of sympatico. One gets the feeling looking at this that he's within millimeters of holding her hand. Although by this point she's been told that he has feelings for her, she hasn't acted on that piece of information. She is reluctant to plead with him to stay but she's also unconsciously eager to be up close and personal so there's no discomfiture on her part.

While she has been given ammunition by Rosa, Gyeo-ul buries that insight. In hindsight it was probably for the best because it can't be said then that Jeong-won gave up his dream to be a priest solely because of her. She waited until she realised what would be lost to pediatric medicine if he left. There's no doubting that she was a factor but as it is with life, it's never just the one thing. Furthermore, it shows how considerate she is of Jeong-won's feelings that she sat on this information and told no one about it, including her long-time confidant, Ik-jun. I've always believed her to be a remarkable person underneath that frumpy, stoic exterior. Jeong-won saw that in the maggot scene which is for me these days when it all began for him.

I have always loved Ik-jun and Gyeo-ul's platonic mentoring-confidant relationship. For a busybody, Ik-jun is very discrete. I've always loved how she sees him as her big brother and that comfortable aegyo side comes through during their interactions. And of course I love how he approves of her for Jeong-won and says so loudly and clearly. He has tried hard to be her fairy godfather. So it is fitting that he is the one who asks the question that leads to the flashback of the first day Gyeo-ul met Jeong-won and inadvertently fell for him. It's such an adorable moment and it makes me think so much better of her because it means that she never took offence at the way he pulled her aside and chided her for not communicating better with the guardian. She took that in her stride and continued liking him in spite of it. Or maybe even because of it. Because as she told Ik-jun all that time ago, that Jeong-won is a man of principle.

While the first day flashback was hers, the ER flashback was Jeong-won's. It was a crucial piece of evidence for the audience. When he finally kissed her, all the longing that was there in that flashback came to the fore. All the hesitation was no more.

Of course it was more than that. It showed how much he wrestled with his feelings for her. That's also proof that when he lied to her in Episode 8, it wasn't because he didn't like her. It's also proof to me personally that when he watched her being driven off in the black SUV that he was full of longing and regret. He didn't just have feelings for her, he was in love with her to the point that he was seriously questioning his trajectory towards the priesthood.

The song that was playing as he dawdled outside the ER was Jeong Mi Do singing "I Knew I'd Love You" introduced initially by Ik-jun as his drunk de facto confession to Song-hwa at the karaoke. These lines are particularly suggestive:

Again today I'm calling you like a habit
You answered so warmly
You made me the happiest person in the world
I love you so much

In my opinion it speaks to when Jeong-won calls Gyeo-ul at the start of the episode while she's about to have her ramyeon. It did look like he become accustomed to calling her to organize and to assist his surgery.

And in relation to these lines cause me to wonder who is the first person here being referred to here? We know she fell for him at first sight. But the song plays while he's standing outside the ER so it does beg the question. I'm not bothered by the ambiguity.

I knew I'd fall in love with you
The day we first met
Even if you start to shake
From our love fading over time
Then I'll hold on to you just like you did for me

The day we first met
Even if you start to shake
From our love fading over time
Then I'll hold on to you
Don't worry hold my hand
Just like that first day

The main thing is that Jeong-won realises that he'd kept her waiting long enough. Just like what Seok-hyeong said at the Christmas Eve gathering at his place. "I don't want to waste time. My time is too precious for that. I want to live doing the things I like and the things that I want to do now."

While everyone is looking at Seok-hyeong as he talks about his decision not to run his late father's company, Jeong-won is the only who looks down presumably because what Seok-hyeong says hits too close for comfort. It seems to parallel the cafeteria scene and ER flashback after he hears about Gyeo-ul's anaphylactic episode. Everyone else is looking up and elsewhere but he is looking down troubled and preoccupied. It seems to be a precursor to some major decision regarding Gyeo-ul. But on Christmas Day, he finally makes up his mind to cross the line to be with her, subsuming the professional into the personal or vice versa. He in everyday wear, she in work clothes.

(When I thought I had said everything I could say about the Winter Garden couple, I prove myself wrong yet again.)

It's a pity though that Seok-hyeong doesn't take his own advice with regards to Min-ha who texts an invitation to dinner but while his tumultuous relationship with his father is over by the end of the episode, the show reminds us that there's still that other piece of baggage that he's lugging around. He gets a call from his ex-wife as he's leaving work on Christmas Day. 

As his personal arc in this season has largely revolved around his dysfunctional family dynamics, it was always clear that his love line with Min-ha did not have that same degree of urgency as the Winter Garden one. I have very little doubt that Seok-hyeong is romantically interested in Min-ha despite all his protestations. Ik-jun seems to be of this view as well. It's commendable that he wants to protect Min-ha from all the anguish of the past but it's not entirely he's choice to make. Besides she's good for him. While she may seem to be intrusive at times, she brightens him up. He's so much more comfortable with her now than he used to be. They too have come a very long way since she called him a "sloth" or a "slug".

For Jun-wan he receives a return package on Christmas Day. It's the parcel that he sent weeks earlier to Ik-sun containing the ring that he has wanted her to have for some time. It's a quandary that he resolved by asking Jae-hak for his advice. These days, I really adore their dynamic. They've become quite a team and their banter never gets old. I enjoy seeing them working out of the differences and then becoming confidants. Each of them bring something to the relationship: Jun-wan is the more experienced clinician and Jae-hak has his experience of 10 years of a stable marriage. Neither man is too proud to ask the other for help when they need it. It's a sweetly humorous moment too when Jae-hak channels the grumpy side of Jun-wan.

One of the unpredictable things of life is that people change their minds because people change. It's almost an iron-clad rule of life. Ik-sun who didn't want jewellery or rings just a couple of month ago is now amenable to the idea. I wonder too now if she's become amenable to the idea of marriage because of the return package. Her change of heart and possible return might also have been foreshadowed by her unexpected visit to the hospital at 2am some weeks earlier. (The date I'm thinking of is 1 December 2019.)

The presence of the medical students remind me one last time as the season wraps up that the hospital is still a place of learning. As Hong-do roams around the hospital with Ik-jun, he learns not just from observations but when he is quizzed on medical facts. Ik-jun counsels him that it isn't enough that he has good interactions with patients, he needs to know facts as well. Belying his trickster facade, Ik-jun is a serious doctor and mentor.

Christmas Day is a day designated by the show for the celebration of miracles... the miracle of modern medicine in particular. As the doctors do their rounds, patients are discharged and given good news. Ik-jun sends his grateful liver transplant patient home, Jun-wan farewells his hemothorax patient in his usual business-like fashion and the family celebrates over home-cooked kimchi jigae. Seok-hyeong finally has good new for the miscarriage prone expectant mother. She's arrived at the safe place where she need not have to fear a premature birth. Seeing both her and her husband weeping tears of relief and joy had me on the verge of tears myself. They'd made it through one hurdle after another. It was like watching Frank Capra's It's A Wonderful Life... a perennial Christmas favourite done in Hospital Playlist style. There are echoes of the 1946 film in the resolution of Jeong-won's arc. A discontented man who wished he was someone else and somewhere else finally realises that he was always in the right place at the right time. Without him the likes of Ji-yeong and a roll call of other lives he had touch would be a completely different story. His journey to rediscover himself is done.

At the end of the season it seems to me that The Virgin (Jeong-won) and The Bachelor (Jun-wan) are both now in serious relationships with their significant others. Jun-wan was always ahead of the game because he didn't have any of the misgivings that Jeong-won did in jumping into a dating relationship. While I wouldn't say that Jeong-won has caught up ;), their respective arcs this season are the most complete in terms of where their goals were at the start. While Jun-wan was able to keep the identity of his significant other a secret all this time because she's not a colleague, I don't think that's going to be possible for Jeong-won while all eyes are already on them to one degree or another. It always amused me that Jun-wan was eager for Ik-jun to know that he was dating his sister while the latter kept fobbing him off with excuses. The common denominator in their individual tracks was as simple and as cheesy as the power of love. Falling in love for the both of them and their significant others was transformative. It changed Jun-wan into a more outwardly compassionate doctor. He learned to be more comfortable about showing his feelings. It reshaped Jeong-won's view of himself as a religious celibate in the making. It healed Ik-sun from the hurts of a past relationship. And it caused Gyeo-ul to become a better clinician. These romances were a means to an end bringing these individuals to a place where they needed to be in service of the medical side of things.

The outcomes I don't think were really ever in doubt. I never found the show particularly difficult to follow or read.  The cues and patterns were always there. I have read criticisms of the writer's and PD's style to game the audience but I never found it to be the case. For humour perhaps (like Prison Playbook) but as far as the character arcs were concerned, it was always fairly clear where things were headed.

The first season was a blast. It seems that the more I watch this show, the more I see. This speaks to its quality. While this might be a burden that they will now have to bear, I'm expecting much of the same for the second season.

Hospital Playlist Retrospective Season 1 Episode 12: The Winter Garden Confession

A naggy reminder that this post contains plenty of spoilery content. I certainly have no wish for your enjoyment of the drama to be diminished by stumbling into a nest of spoilers. 

While writing this post, it occurred to me that I would have to split the Episode 12 retrospective. Not only was it a monster of an episode but rather predictably I ended up having so much to say about the Winter Garden dynamic and it took on a life of its own.

The Winter Garden confession sequence has become a firm favourite. It is really one of the most wonderful confessions I've had the pleasure of watching unfold. Right from when Gyeo-ul stands in front of Jeong-won and stammers apologetically to the moment he collapses into her arms in a medium shot, it's absolutely pitch-perfect.

This confession has resonances of romantic confession from all my favourite adaptations of 19th century British novels. North and South, Wives and Daughters, Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility etc etc. To make that leap isn't as incredible as one might think because central to those dramas are individuals who fall in love and are compelled by circumstances to hide their feelings for each other before the big resolution.

In hindsight, Confession Day had to be on Christmas Day. For the devoutly Catholic Ahn Jeong-won it was the final seal that he was on the "right path". Of course 25 December isn't the actual day Jesus Christ was born but it is the day widely celebrated by Christians to commemorate the birth of the Son of God who became a man. So too, Ahn Jeong-won who was on the trajectory to becoming a priest signalled the end to his angst over becoming "a son of God" to remain an ordinary man who loves on Christmas Day.  So the solution to the vexing problem that is Ahn Jeong-won is firstly, he falls in love unexpectedly and in so doing caused the priesthood issue to become problematic. The certainty that he felt over it was seriously called into question. Because the woman at the heart of things is a colleague and a student, it was always going to be near-impossible to dodge the outcome. He was necessarily confronted with it regularly: The rare female in the GS department and someone who came to his notice very early on. More than that, however, because she is a colleague... a fellow surgeon... it provides a different set of possibilities... ones he perhaps he had not hitherto considered. If pediatrics has become too lonely or too painful then perhaps the solution is not to "run away from it" but to have someone by his side to share the burden of this "lonely" field of medicine. The writer, it seems to me, has given this a great deal of thought because his love interest is someone still honing her skills and is potentially someone who is amenable to his influence. Moreover, she's not an established clinician in a different field in his age bracket. For me all of this makes perfect, logical sense. To use a Biblical example, it seems to me that Adam has found his Eve. Or more accurately... Adam has been providentially led to his Eve.

What is more obvious during the rewatch is the fact that he sat on his final decision to stay for at least 3 weeks before she out of sheer desperation initiated the confession. That's a fair bit of time. It does beg the question as to why he didn't make his move. Fear, it seems to me was a factor. He simply had no idea how to approach her after being accustomed to maintaining their working relationship for so long. He must have thought long and hard in his spare moments about whether or not he was prepared to change the dynamic between them so radically. Perhaps she'd moved on from him. Did he really want to turn a collegial relationship awkward? He was enjoying having her around judging by the anaesthetist's comments. Did he want to lose that kind of access? All those kinds of things must have gone through his headspace at some point. Furthermore, there was the lying and pretending to account for. Even while Gyeo-ul is highly resilient emotionally, she would have been hurt by the deception. That's why the skinship and the liplocking that came afterwards felt like the logical resolution to the push and pull.

I can't for the life of me imagine what else he could have done. I've thought about it a lot in light of comments that it was "too sudden" or "abrupt". But the fact is anything he says in response to her confession would be an anti-climax. Gyeo-ul in her verbal confession did something Jeong-won couldn't do. She challenged the status quo. It took guts to do what she did especially when we know how reluctant she was to touch the subject. Like it took her guts to ask him to have dinner with her at the end of Episode 7. But this was different because she came right out and said "I like you" with no certainty of how he was going to react. She put her pride on the line and apologized repeatedly for imposing herself by making her requests. She had no idea where she stood with him except that Rosa assured her that she was somebody to him. She stripped herself bare and made herself completely vulnerable in this situation. Moreover, she approached him in abject humility and with grave apprehension. The line "It's not my place to say this" must have been a stab to his heart because in reality she was enormously important to him. Important enough to run all the way from the cafeteria to the ER when he heard about the anaphylaxis event. Important enough to cause him to have doubts about the priesthood. Important enough that he would let her into his surgical space with increasing regularity. Important enough that people around them could tell she was special to him. But she had no idea because he did everything for her under the auspices of work. It was such an effective cover for him. So effective that the woman at the centre of it didn't even know that she was the conscious object of his affections.

In light of everything, the lip-locking was really the only response to not only her question but her grand gesture. She stood in front of him with fear, trembling and in tears... how could he surpass it except to show her in an equally declarative fashion how she had become his significant other. The build-up was crucial. He went for her hair as if to say that he loved everything about her. Her simplicity, innocence and audacity. It also harkens back to the time when her hair was dishevelled after giving chase to the DV perpetrator. Then his hands slid down the side of her face to her neck show his deep longing. All the times he'd wanted to touch her and held back. This is deeply symbolic of all the times that he could only view her from the side...  with the facade of a dispassionate onlooker. When she looks up in surprise at this display of intimacy, the tears welling up in his eyes is his apology to her for all the deception, the hesitation and the waiting. His indecision and fear had forced her into the reluctant position of having to take matters into her own hands. From his perspective it was he who imposed on her and yet here she was apologizing profusely for being so forward. Surely it has to be more than a little bit embarrassing for a man to have to watch the woman he loves do so courageously what he was avoiding for so long.

The kiss is partly his penance for what he put her through. ;) But it doubles as as his unspoken confession. All the things he ever wanted to say to her from the anaphylaxis episode onwards but couldn't was enacted in the progression from skinship to lip-locking.

Much more than a confession this is the moment he completely obliterates the line between them. It's a transformational moment. He doesn't just cross the line, he erases it unequivocally. At that point he morphs from being The Professor to The Lover. There's no more hiding behind formalities and there's no more need to hold back those inconvenient feelings. The man behind the professor who wrestled with his desires for months has emerged from his cocoon. A metamorphosis, if you like. I have to give Yoo Yeon Seok his due here. This show has probably the best acting I've ever seen from him and in this drama his likeability factor hit stratospheric regions for me.

While she's confessing it probably strikes him that he has been rather insular in the way he dealt with this dilemma. It probably never really sunk in for him until her confession how much she had to deal with the entire time they had feelings for each other. I don't think he gave much thought to the fact that she might be wondering the whole time if he was coming or going while he was hesitating over giving her the good news. When he tells Song-hwa that there's someone he wants to tell first before telling the others, it throws up several questions. Presumably he was going to tell Gyeo-ul everything which is why he made such a big deal of not saying anything to the others first, proving again that she had become more than just a variable in his calculations. From the way he's prioritizing her, it wouldn't surprise me if they end up marrying sooner rather than later.

Judging from the ER flashback it would appear that he was in love with her for at least 6 months. Probably even longer if we take into account his antics at the OBGYN-Ped conference in Episode 4. So the charge that the kiss came from nowhere is meaningless especially when compared to usual Kdrama fare.

Additionally all that skinship at the end, as I've said elsewhere, is the final in the nail in the coffin that this man should ever be a priest. All those repressed emotions just came gushing out like water from a dam whose floodgates have been opened. I have to wonder how much he's thought about her all this time. The struggle to keep it all under wraps must have been mammoth. He may have made the trip to Italy but I doubt he would have stuck at it for long with all these feelings taking over.

Just as she made herself vulnerable in initiating the confession, he finally exposed himself to her. It isn't just a case of declaring that he's in love with her but also of how much. So he goes in for a second round of lip-locking just so she is in no doubt that this is the real deal.

When he finally wraps himself around her in an embrace, it heralds a man who has finally ended an extended almighty battle with himself, completely giving himself over to the woman in front of him with no reservations, no sign of turning back. He is utterly and completely hers. This signifies his total surrender.

Among many things, the missing ER flashbacks confirms what Gyeo-ul and many of us suspected at the time, that Jeong-won had feelings for her. What was less clear then was the depth of his feelings. The panic running said it all it seems to me. The knowledge that her life was in jeopardy brought all the repressed emotions to the surface. For a brief moment he lost control, wasted no time and did what he wanted. I was also surprised at how aware he was of the consequences of going inside, of what he was implying if he stepped past those glass doors.

My contention is that the primary purpose of this scene is to give us permission to look at all their scenes together retrospectively and put a different spin on each one. This is how pivotal it is. I wished for many more flashbacks from his perspective and still do. But since I've been deprived of what might have been, I'm glad to have this one as a reference point.

Much credit should also be given to Shin Hyun Bin, who also gave an amazing performance during the confession. All the things she did for art made her one of the standouts for me in this drama full of stellar performances. I just love what she brought to the table as Jang Gyeo-ul in all her manifestations. It made me root for her from start to finish. Jang Gyeo-ul finally gets the man of her dreams... the one she fell in love with at first sight.

As I've said elsewhere, not a lot about the season finale came to me as any great surprise. Most of what took place was foreshadowed or telegraphed early on. There was never going to be any bait and switch despite noises from certain quarters. I don't have any simplistic answers about his final decision to stay in Yulje. The way I see it, it's a combination of factors that led him finally to believe that it all made sense to remain where he is. It certainly doesn't go against a Christian understanding of "calling" or vocation to serve others as a physician. Marriage and sex are God's ideas. Continuing as a doctor is not evidence of lesser devotion to God. As Song-hwa says, he could do so much good staying in pediatrics and the great thing for him is, he now has someone to help him shoulder the baggage that comes along with it.

This is clear from the flashback where the other surgeons/professors from GS are nattering to Gyeo-ul about the new pediatric surgeon that's joining the department. They highlight the fact that pediatric surgeons are a rarity and note that this new guy does everything on his own so Gyeo-ul's services aren't needed.  However in this episode, it's clear that Jeong-won is becoming increasingly reliant on Gyeo-ul to the point that he defaults to calling her as soon as an emergency crops up. It's a very suggestive development that confirms that she is now his de facto right hand.

Even the anaesthetist notices that Jeong-won's been "overusing" Gyeo-ul lately to the point where she's not keeping up with her meals and slyly eggs him on to take better care of her. No doubt the anaesthetist is on some level attempting to set them up and the reality is that Jeong-won isn't as adept at hiding his intentions to the experienced eye. At this stage I'm not sure if he's definitely decided to stay but judging from heavy duty religious paraphernalia in his second drawer when Ik-jun sneaks around his office, I'd say 'no'. So it's probably him doing a sleight of hand trying to spend as much time with Gyeo-ul as he can before D-day.

With all these sorts of voices accompanying the Winter Garden dynamic it is so clear that everything they do together has romantic overtones. There's no getting away from that. Especially when we now have the ER flashback as our compass. It's in effect a cunning way to incorporate romance into what is essentially a medical drama.

For me the Winter Garden pairing was really the most important romance thread of this season. It was the only one that really mattered storywise because it had direct bearing on Jeong-won's dilemma. So it was no real surprise that it finally found its resolution at the 11th hour.